Mood swings and extreme emotional highs and lows, especially during the first trimester, is a very real thing. I was in a perpetually lousy mood and could fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
I remember one particular incident. Two days before
the start of Tanvi’s school, we went to Malpe beach. Enroute, Sathya and I got into an argument in
the car regarding the music and the volume. And we fought.
One topic led to
another. It’s true that women can bring up totally bizarre past records into a
current fight. I did it too. I am beginning to think I am an expert in raking
up past grievances. I have like a special storage space in my brain set aside for keeping
track of all old humiliations.
Exasperated, he said “Let’s separate ya.” This was the
first time ever that he had said it in the past 12 years. I say it every 6
months! (Well, make it every once a year!) That’s my most potent dhamki (threat) since I don’t have the luxury
that other women have; of saying “Mei maike jaa rahi hoon.” (I am going to my
mother’s house).
He had never ever uttered that word. And now he did. I was
really shocked. I thought maybe I should delete or burn that storage space
inside my damn brain. Out loud, I only said ‘OK’ (in bold and caps), turned
around on the seat and pretended to sleep. This was end of May and I was
already 3 weeks pregnant by then but of course I didn’t know it.
It is strange now to think of that fight and how even
as we talked of going our separate ways, there was a new life growing within me
to keep us together. At the Shimoga hotel where we stayed the night, Tanvi overheard us talking of separating. I hugged her as we slept and told her, “We will be living separately and from now on you
will have 2 of everything – two houses, two birthdays and two gifts”.
She wrapped her arms and legs around me and
started weeping. She just wouldn’t hear another word. She was inconsolable. She kept saying ‘NO! I want BOTH”. I thought I heard Sathya sobbing softly in the adjacent bed. He had uttered those words in
anger and he couldn’t take them back now. He didn’t mean it but it was too late.
I never knew how physically strong Tanvi was and how
deeply attached she was to the idea of the three of us as one family unit, until
that night. She hugged me so tightly that it actually hurt me. All three of us cried ourselves to sleep that night. I think divorce affects children in ways that we adults can
never imagine. They really want both mother and father together with them at
all times.
I remember when Tan was conceived just 3 months after
our wedding; I had just ended a long committed relationship, and had literally jumped into this marriage, Sathya was 25
years old, unemployed, reckless, and irresponsible, me at a new job, new relationship, new house and new locality, without the comfort of old friends or family. His parents didn’t even
sleep in the direction of our house; such was his mother’s animosity towards me
(reason, you ask? Well, because I wasn’t beautiful enough for her Star Son).
I contemplated many times to end the whole ordeal. It
was a marriage that was giving heartache to everyone involved. It was pointless
to waste precious human life, his and mine, in such a futile union.
But who knew that Tanvi, who was growing within me at the time, was
coming to keep us together.
Hari OM
ReplyDeleteRelationships of all kinds require trust, communication and compromise. If we cannot humble ourselves to engage in these three, we will always struggle. Love is the ribbon which adorns the other three. It is Love (of the capital 'ell' variety) which forgives, forgets and feeds. It is unselfish and undemanding. It leaves innocence in place. YAM xx
Hari OM
DeleteHow true Yamini! Love is a binding force
O!Sujata, had it happened,however you try your dear daughter wouldn't have been this cheerful in her life.Thank God, Tanvi is with her lovely parents.
ReplyDeleteYes Sarala thank God !
Delete