Saturday, December 9, 2017

Shopping for Baby

Do you remember the first thing you bought for your child? I don't remember for Tanvi because I didn't buy anything while she was still in my womb. Back then, I neither had the time nor the interest to do any shopping.  
But for this baby, this was the first thing we bought.  It was in Big Bazaar, Hebbal. This was in Oct when I was  still 5 months pregnant. We were casually strolling across the aisles in BB and stopped at the kids section. Frankly, the boys section is so boring. Just t-shirts and pants. The girls section is SO tempting. Just to dress the baby in all those fancy clothes, we feel to have another baby girl. Sathya was very keen on shopping for 'something'. So we picked this one - just like that. 

Last time, I had not bought a single thing while I was pregnant. On the day of the delivery, it was Sathya who had rushed to the nearest shop and bought few essential items for immediate use.  


Once this tiny piece came home, the shopping bug bit me. I logged onto to Amazon and picked up all random stuff including baby powder, soap, diaper and this carrying bag. And Tanvi was carrying around the bag as if the baby was already in it! Even while watching TV, she would hold it in her arms and cradle it. 

I am onto my 8th month now and we still don't know if it is a boy or a girl but we continue to pick up boy tees! 


Thursday, November 30, 2017

7th Month

Women feel so emotional at times, feel like crying for no obvious reasons, especially during pregnancy. Men just don't get it, do they? 

I have explained to Sathya, like a nursery teacher explains ABCD to a kindergartner, that all you have to do, when I am emotional, is HUG me. No, nothing else is required. Your smart-ass comments - NO. Your 'be practical' advice - NO. Your problem solving tips and suggestions – NO. Preferably, just don’t open your mouth to drop any of your male-ego satisfying, 'I know it all' gyan. Just hug me. If you still must open your mouth, open it to make sounds like ‘ummm’ ‘haan’ ‘hmm’ I know you think it's not good enough but trust me, a hug with these sounds for company, does it for most women, when we are crying our heart out. The hug reassures us that, you are with us and the sounds that, you have not zoned out or dozed off and are actually really listening to us. Quite simple, isn’t it? 12 years of marriage and 2 pregnancies later, I still have not succeeded in making my otherwise socially-intelligent and emotionally-sound husband to implement this.

Here's what happened this week. As of 28th November, I am 29 weeks pregnant, 7 months, start of the third trimester. The baby is in a posterior position which means the head is  down and legs up, his back pressing hard against mine. His jabs are stronger, more frequent and all three of us have felt and seen the kicks – the skin bouncing up, the hard kicks, the movement of the limb from one point to another, the hardening of the stomach walls. 7th month also means frequent urination,so frequent that not able to hold in even a drop. 7th month also means there is no position comfortable enough to sleep. I am constantly struggling to place the tummy and find it really hard to sleep; which last night pushed me into a desperate purchase of a body pillow from Amazon. Two months to go before the baby comes and I want to sleep as much as I can through my third trimester. I didn’t use a body pillow during Tanvi’s pregnancy but back then, I didn’t have a smartphone, didn't use the internet much and didn’t even know such a thing existed.

On 24th Nov, completed a 5-day training for Lakme and the very next day fell sick. By Sunday morning, I ran a temperature. My arms and legs were weak, eyes burning. At the hospital, they took a urine test for possibility of a urinary tract infection (UTI) and put me on drips to bring down the temperature. Went home, took the prescribed tablets Dolo 650 (yuck) and Tracfree Cranberry Extract (yum). By Wednesday, felt much better. But that afternoon, I woke up from my nap with severe chills. My body was shivering like a leaf caught in a storm. Sathya was worried and rushed me to the hospital. The physician asked us to do a urine culture and prescribed monocef. 

While waiting in the hospital, I held Satty’s hand, showed him the women who had come with their mothers and, with tears in my eyes, told him how most women take their mothers' presence and help during their pregnancy for granted. They pour out their frustration, anger and irritation at their mother. They never think that they should not speak rudely or in a harsh tone to their mother. Would they do it to their mother-in-law? No. Never. Not even in their dreams. That woman would never understand. But mothers are understanding and bear your wrath. If I had my mother with me, perhaps I too would behave similarly. But for me mother, husband and friend all three are one person only - he. I told him please don't be angry with me if behaved with him how other women behave with their mothers. And then I folded my fingers and planted a 'pappi' (kiss) on his cheek. He was, of course, very embarrassed by this public display of affection in the hospital.

When we came home, my state of mind was still tipsy. I was imagining, how it would be, had my parents been alive, how Sathya was father, mother, husband and friend to me. I started weeping and called out to him - thrice. I called out to him thrice! He was chatting with Tanvi and her friends in the hall, and kept asking 'what-what-what' but didn't come. Finally,
I screamed "COME and sit next to me".
He came and asked, "What?" 
I said, "Sit here." 
He complained, "No place to sit."
I shouted “Make place and sit". I asked for his hand, told him I wanted to hold it for a while. 
He asked, "Which hand?" Seriously man?????! 
Anyways, I had held it for a while when he said, "I can't sit in this position for long time" and came and slept next to me. 
My tears had just started pouring out, when he said the dreaded words, "Don't cry. There is nothing to cry."
I wanted to cry, I wanted to unburden the weight of my emotions, I wanted to feel light. 
I replied, calmly, "Yeah right. Thanks. You can go now."

Men and their 'flat like a tyre', 'detached like a monk', completely unemotional response to a totally emotional situation!!!!!! Speechless!

Thursday, November 16, 2017

6 Months Completed


Completed 6 months, the second trimester. 

I can't see the tiny side bone on my ankle anymore. It's buried under all the new fat. Toes are visibly plump. I had to remove my toe-rings. I have already given away a big bag of clothes that I can't fit into anymore. And ordered my first 'nighty' from Amazon. I have not worn one since ... forever!

Strangely, I have never felt to eat raw mango even once during these 6 months. In fact, I did not feel so even in the earlier pregnancy. A pregnant woman craving for raw mango must be one of those over-rated movie cliches.

I remember my dreams were full of food last time. I was underfed and feeling hungry and craved for food during my waking hours. This time, I have not dreamed of food even once. I enjoy every little morsel that I eat even if it is something as simple as a boiled egg. Everything is tasty and I have not said no to anything. I am thankful for this. I truly am. Most pregnant women don’t realize the value of food because they are pampered silly during all their pregnancies. They do not know what not having means. They do not know what longing for and thinking about food all the time means. And I hope it stays that way. But I know! I have been through it. And today, it makes me so grateful for every plate that I have relished and polished off.

I am 64 kilos now. I was 58 at 3 months. That makes it a 6 kilo jump. I gained the max between the 5th and 6th month, that is, Oct to Nov. A friend remarked on FB: if I am 60 at 6 months, does that mean I will be 80 at 8 months?!! OMG! Scary thought.
3 months and 6 months
I had not observed and reacted with glee to the movements of the baby in the earlier pregnancy. This time I am observant of every little change, every twitch, every kick, every pain, every progress. I am eating well. I am sleeping well. I am happy. This is how I wanted my pregnancy to be. I had wished for it after Tanvi and I can’t believe God actually made my wish come true. I can’t believe I too am actually experiencing a pleasant and happy pregnancy.  I thought I was not fortunate enough for that and had made my peace with it.

God sometimes has the best plans laid out for you. Actually, not sometimes, - always. If I had not known the darkness of my first pregnancy, I would not have been able to enjoy the light of this one. Everything is in comparison to it. Everything is better too in comparison to it. Not just my own daily routine or health - both mental and physical - but also the relationship that I share with Sathya today. There is a sea change. Earlier, there was love but there was more pain, stress, distrust, doubt, anxiety, uncertainty. Now, there is a quiet assurance in everything we do. I am content because I am relaxed in the comfort of his care.

At 7 months last time, I remember telling one of his friends, I think it was Babu, that I will abort the baby. Things were SO bad! I am onto my 7th month now and I can’t wait to hold my baby in my arms. But most importantly, I can’t wait to hold him along with Tan and Satty. I can’t wait to see their faces. I can’t wait to show them the little one hiding inside me all these months.

Pregnancy is a wonderful phase in a woman’s life and only when one actually goes through it does one realize its full impact. 

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

Recovery

One thing Tanvi repeatedly says is that she has not been able to see the baby on the monitor like we have. She has not heard its loud heartbeat. Every time there is a check-up date, she begs to tag along. But so far, all the check-up dates have fallen on a weekday. And since we don’t want her to miss her school, we don't take her. Also, we don’t know if children are allowed into the room where the scanning happens. The 6th month check-up due on Nov 11th is a regular one. Maybe the 7th or 8th month when there will be another scan we should take her too. She also can feel and see the baby inside the womb and “see” it on the monitor and listen to the doctor who explains stuff.


Oh yeah! This is true. When kids are really little, their every movement feels great especially the awkward, funny, clumsy dance movements they do. With Tan, I loved the way she danced to the rhyme “I am a little tea pot”. It was Sathya’s and my favorite. 

I remember one incident that pained me a lot at the time. I was in office. Sathya had picked up Tanvi from her babysitter and taken her to his house and dropped her back at the babysitter right around the time I went to pick her up and take her home. I didn’t know all this until a year later when his youngest brother accidentally said, “Sathya brought Tanvi home and we made her dance and she danced to this and this song”. I was shocked! When was this!  And why was this! None of them – grandparents, two uncles – had ever even turned around to be with Tanvi or take care of her or buy her anything or even come and play with her, the godly grandmother had not even given old, used/torn clothes to be used as diaper for the baby - NOTHING AT ALL – that was the level to which their non-commitment was to this new relationship and her growing up years and here was Sathya who had taken the little girl to dance in front of them and entertain them!

One full year for recovery! Who knew that! Most of us plunge right back into the routine of life. We have to. I don’t think most mothers, the world over, have the luxury to take it easy after the delivery, that too for a whole year. 

My neighbor, whose house is bang opposite ours, had a baby last year. We never saw her pregnant, and she is really aged, so it must be through surrogacy. He is over a year old now. She has a full time 18 year old girl to look after the baby plus an elderly woman who comes and works as a nanny during the entire day plus a house-help who does the regular chores around the house plus her two siblings plus her husband and one more woman who is a relative. So many people to look after the baby!!!!  That is what I call luxury. 

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Musings

This is so funny. Look at his expression!

Luckily, Tanvi doesn’t have to hear any of it because hers was one of the shortest labor. At least that is what I have heard from many other mothers. 

Her due date was 23rd of June. On the 1st of June, her head was fixed. On the 6th, the water broke. From the time I was taken to the operation theater to the actual delivery, it was all over in 2 hours. 

I have heard of labors that have lasted almost a day.
  

Don’t know what is going to be my fate this time around?

Hope Tanvi’s little brother or sister is going to be as sweet and as much in a hurry to come out as she was!









Right now, this is how my nights feel like. The image on the right puts it well.

Every time I roll over, I have to lift the weight of the new package in me to the other side, place it gently there and try to sleep again. Have read that sleeping on the left side is the best position to sleep in.

Most of my old clothes are tight now. I have already kept aside a big bag with clothes that I cannot fit into anymore.


This pic was taken last month when I had already completed 5 months and was rushing towards the 6th month. On that particular evening, the jerks were more pronounced. We could even "see" the skin on the tummy moving. Tanvi was constantly talking to the baby, tapping and tickling to elicit more kicks. 

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

This and That

I loved this part. 

I still do. 

Now, I chase 11 year old Tanvi around the house, sometimes pleading with her, sometimes threatening her, sometimes begging her, sometimes forcing her, sometimes blackmailing her – basically doing everything or whatever I can to get her to let me cut her nails. 

Till she was almost 5 years old, she was totally under my “nail-cutter control”. I used to bend over her, every week and cut her nails – fingers and toes. 
I miss those days of pure bliss now.  Ever since she has become strong and able to run away from me, cutting her nails has been a weekly ‘fight of the fittest’.  

Some mothers chew the nails off the fingers of their new born baby. I could never do that. That I find scary. But cutting with nail cutter is a much-looked forward to activity for me. One more round of nail-cutting with the new baby. Yippee!

Oh this is so true!!! I was on tenterhooks all the time. I don’t remember taking a shower in peace throughout the period of Tanvi’s infancy. It was horrible actually.  I would keep the door slightly open, keep peering out in between and constantly try to hear her sound – of weeping or sobbing or gurgling or waking up or moving – whatever. The tough part was when you would be covered in soap and at that very instant you would hear the baby crying. A hurried throw of the remaining water in the bucket and out you are to attend to her.

This time I am hoping to let Tanvi watch over the baby while I finally bathe peacefully at least once during two of my kids’ growing up years. 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Anamoly Scan

11th October entry:

It was time for the dreaded Anamoly Scan and fifth month check-up. There was also blood and urine test. I was made to drink 2 glasses of glucose and after two hours , the blood and urine samples were taken. 

The scan this time was to check if all functions of the growing baby were normal. And it was. The doc showed the lips, nose, brain, heart and kidneys of the baby. The stomach area was filled with fluid which means the kidneys were working fine. The brain was surrounded by a fluid which is also a good sign. The baby had clenched its fist the first time the assistant scanned. The scan went on for 30 mins. Later, after an hour, when Dr Veena did the scan again, she pressed the abdomen slightly harder and the baby actually opened its fist ever so slightly. 

In the first trimester scan, the visuals were clearer. We could see the entire baby. This time, it was sort of blurred and we couldn’t see the complete body. They said, that is because the baby has grown and we can't show the full body. The focus was on examining each organ in detail. The backbone of the baby looked just like fish bone. She said there is no cleft lips, the lips looked fine. 

My risk for birth defects has come further down - from 1.38 to 1.76. That’s good news. Next month check-up would be a regular one – checking BP, my weight etc. No scan.  Thank God. 
Sathya was trying to see the genitals as we had read that by 5th month, if it is a boy, the genitals would be formed and would have dropped down and would be discernible. We couldn’t see anything though. We both would like to have a boy this time just so that we have one of each gender!! And of course, I want to raise a son, the way a son should be raised - taught to do household chores and helping out in the kitchen like we expect our daughters to do. 

My blood pressure has been consistently low – averaging at 100/70. 

I have completed 23 weeks. Have gained 2 kilos in the past one month, out which half a kilo is the weight of the baby. I am at 60 kilos now and the back pain is pronounced. I have started feeling the 
jerks of the baby. Can't say they are 'kicks' or 'movements' really - not just yet. But I am conscious of slight jerks and twitches. I have made Tanvi feel it too.

Tossing and turning at night has been a real ordeal. The tummy is "all out" and there is not enough space for the three of us together on the bed. Beginning this month, I forced Tanvi to sleep on her bunk bed in her room. She kicks in her sleep and takes up half of the bed, leaving me clutching my stomach and waking up in the middle of the night wanting to twist her arm! I have had to show her how much space my stomach needs now and somehow have made her to sleep separately. Satty and I sleep alone now - finally but every 5th day of the week, our little lady comes crawling back, like a cockroach, stealthily slides between us, promises not to trouble me and again, takes up more than half the bed! 

Have been walking at least four times a week for half an hour and that’s been good.

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Dreams and Pregnancy

14th September entry

Completed four months.

Sathya got a dream. He saw a plump baby trying to stand but could’t stand. The baby was also trying to sit but kept falling backwards. Sathya had this sweet smile as he woke up in the morning, lay on the bed and narrated the dream. Nice to have a man whose first words were, "Let's remove it" actually dream of his baby and talk about it with such fondness in his voice. Gratifying. Did not have these precious moments last time. So these little things are all the more heart-warming.

16th September entry:

Suddenly I am aware of something hard in my lower abdomen. Hardness that doesn’t go away. Earlier when I used to wake up in the morning or I had not eaten for a long time and my tummy was empty, I’d feel so light in my womb that I would almost end up doubting if the baby was really there. Stomach would look so flat. Now my stomach is permanently “out”. Visibly bulging.

25th September entry:

Today was my first day of training. Back to work after five whole months of hibernation. Last I took a session was in March.

Forgot to take afternoon vitamin tablet – A-Z Gold. Remembered it an hour late. Other than that, did not feel any major difference between pre-pregnancy days and post-pregnancy days. Did not feel too tired in the class. Remembered my ICFAI working days. I was pregnant then as well. In 2005-2006. August I had joined the management college and in October learnt of the pregnancy. I had taken classes till just a week before the delivery. May 31st was the last working day and June 6th delivered.

It is always exhilarating to work. There is no joy compared to the joy of working if you are in the profession you like and enjoy what you do.

27th September entry:
Woke up at 6:00 in the morning to a bad attack of muscle cramps in my right leg. It is the one thing I dread the most about being pregnant. I remember I had severe muscle cramps during the third trimester in the last pregnancy. You can feel your flesh in your shank moving up and hardening. Excruciating pain! And there is nothing you can do about it. Just endure the pain and wait for the flesh to "melt" again and the pain to subside. It was strange that this time, it happened so early and that too in the morning. Maybe the two days of standing during the training and the stress of work had something to do with it. 

30th September entry:

Luckily the muscle cramps did not return. Yesterday was the last day of the 5-day induction training. Rest from today till the next batch.

I got a dream today. I saw a premature but fully grown baby . Then Tanvi brought a tiny baby from the washroom!! That turned out to be my real baby. Like always, I googled for meaning of the dream. It said I am not ready for the future. 

Can pregnant ladies be not ready?  I guess we can. Most of  us do go through fleeting moments of self-doubt, and self-questioning. Sometimes, I stare at my tummy and wonder, "Is this real? Is it really happening? I can see the bulge but is there really a human in there who will come out one day?" 

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Breast-Feeding

I remember the day I delivered Tanvi. The water had broken around 10 a.m in the morning and by 12 I had been admitted. By 2 the contractions started and by 4 my baby was in my hands. 

No wait, she wasn’t. 

Because after the delivery, I had fallen asleep. Or I fell unconscious. Or the doc had put me to sleep with painkillers. I don’t know exactly. All I can recollect now is that they had moved me, from the delivery area to an adjacent area, to be shifted to a ward as soon as it was available. All wards were full that day.

There really are a lot of Gemini kids in the world. I read somewhere that Gemini is the most common zodiac and Aquarius is the rarest. There are far too many Geminis in this world and far few Aquarians. September must be a great month for conception and May the worst month. Something to do with the cooler/warmer weather in those months? 

Anyways, I remember seeing, in my drowsy state and droopy eyes, the nurse showing the baby to Sathya. And then, my eyes closed. 
When I woke up, I was in a ward with tiny Tanvi next to me - all of  2.92 kg. 

It was a common ward, the only one available, so there were 2-3 other mothers as well. A nurse asked me if I had fed the baby. I had not. I didn’t know I had to. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was afraid she would shout at me. I hadn’t even lifted my baby in my arms yet. I was completely drained of energy. I had apparently passed out for a good 3-4 hours and the baby hadn’t had anything yet. So I slowly raised myself on the bed, took the baby and... sat there. I didn't know what to do next. 

Who gets a lesson in feeding? It is like sex. You don’t know it until you do it. It is instinct, by and large. Or if your mother or mother-in-law is next to you, she guides you. My great mother-in-law was too busy handling matters of World Peace to be beside me. She had not turned up at all, even that late in the day, to see her grandchild. So, well, I too followed my instinct. And boy, was Tanvi hungry!!! 

That first moment when you feed your baby is a moment a woman will never forget in her life. That is when the two of you "connect" and "bond" and watching those tiny lips on your bosom, you finally feel that yes, it was all worth it. The struggles of the nine months, the pain of labor, the delivery trauma - all worth it. I know people say, the moment immediately after delivery, is the greatest - the moment when you see your baby first time. But for me, that moment was fleeting. The doc was busy stitching me up, giving instructions to 'hold up' and finishing up the rest of the post-delivery tasks. The baby was not given to be held because it had to be washed and not laid next to me because I had passed out. So what they show you in the movies - doesn't always work that way.

After I had fed her on one side, I thought it’s not fair to feed only one side. I must be impartial (typical teacher talk) and feed both. Someone later told me that yeah that is the right way to do it; otherwise the breast swells and hurts like hell because the milk coagulates. Always feed both sides.


New mothers truly learn a lot on the job, don't they! There is no induction training or trial sessions or demos. At least back then, I didn’t attend any classes or watch any YouTube videos. Now, thanks to smart phones and internet, everything, every information is available on your fingertips. And I have watched many a video and read countless pregnancy related articles.

As for breast-feeding being equivalent to running 8 kms (check the first pic) , it must be true. I breast-fed Tanvi till she was THREE years old. I fed her everywhere - theater, cinema hall, bus-station and on everything - on a bus, car, bike, auto !! I now believe it was one of the reasons I lost all the pregnancy weight (13 kilos) really quickly and that too without any exercise or any fitness regime. 

Monday, October 9, 2017

Maternal Age and Pregnancy

So many scans if the mother is aged 35 or above. Such a headache. The father could be an 80 year old budda (old man), it doesn't matter. As the foetus grows in the mother's body, her age matters a hell of a lot. With Tan, since I was 28, there were hardly any scans that needed to be done. This time, one after the other, the S word!

My suggestion to those planning or eager to have two kids, plan the second one well before you hit 34.  That way, there will not be any worries about so many scans and blood tests just to see if there are any defects in the growing foetus due to the mother’s age. 
Babies are emotional decisions for most parents but the fact is money is an important part of it too. Why be ashamed of the fact that babies are expensive? 

Scans are expensive. A scan starts at Rs 1000. Blood tests start at Rs 600. Medicines - your vitamins and minerals - cost a minimum of Rs 400 a week. Doctors consultation starts at Rs 300. We have already spent close to Rs 7,000 for three of these in three months of check-up. And that is just for the scans and blood tests. It is excluding medicines, doc's consultation fees, trips to doc's clinic!  This is even before the baby is born. 

Once it is born, the cost just sky-rockets. It’s nice to cuddle and coo-coo to a baby that giggles when it sees you but without proper care, which also means money, in addition to love, things can get bumpy.

So, if you are serious about adding a second member to your family, plan it! Make sure you, the mother, conceive before you hit 34! Save money!!!

More Scans

31st Aug entry:

I am two heartbeats now. There is another tiny heart beating along with mine, stronger and harder. 

Sometimes that knowledge is so humbling and gratifying. Another life within me! A heart that is pumping furiously! 

And sometimes, the thought is plain bothersome, especially when you have to constantly go to the loo to pee.

Got a call from Rohini (HUL) asking if I would like to work for them - this time directly and not through Training Bench? (It has been more than 5 months. March was the last session I had conducted).  

That’s some good news! Always nice to work on a flexible basis and have a source of income.

5th September entry:

We had been to the doc for the 4th month check-up. The report of the Quadruple test was negative. Everything was normal, no defects. The chances of me having a DS baby were down to 1:384. 
But then the doc suggested yet another scan; to check chances of DS. AGAIN!!! In three visits, three scans recommended. First it was the blood test and the first trimester scan, then it was double-market test (which we couldn't do as we went two weeks late) and so did Quadruple test and now one more - Anamoly scan this time, to be done next month. 

I don’t know what hit me but I broke down and started crying!!! I told the doc that every time I come for check-up, I am asked for some defects detection test, just because I am 40. The doc said it is only to ensure the baby is healthy and that I have come only for three check-ups. I asked her what if one of the tests came out positive. What then? She said then we will have to abort the baby. I knew the answer but I guess I wanted to hear it out loud. My heart sank. She then asked me not to worry. All these scans are precautionary measures only. Everything is in the hands of God. She herself was the 12th child and her mother delivered her at the age of 45! So cheer up. “Plus”, she continued, “You have a God-fearing husband. Believe in God. Everything will be fine.” When we came out of the clinic, I had resigned myself to my fate. I am 40, my chances of having a DS baby are high, so I must accept and go through all the scans, without tears or worries.

Sathya was asking me why the hell did I cry in front of the doc? He couldn’t believe I had broken down emotionally, so easily. And then he joked that I had embarrassed him and brought bad name to his illustrious name! The doc had guessed that he was God-fearing from the kumkum mark on his forehead. He was, of course, mighty pleased with the certification! 

Monday, September 4, 2017

Pregnancy Memes

Here are some memes I found really funny all related to pregnancy or parenthood, of course.

This one is so so true! I remember, with Tan, not even being able to go pee because she would be fast asleep, wanting to kill the person that rang the doorbell and when I switched off the doorbell, they would keep knocking at the door and no escape from THAT


Haha! This one....I used to get very angry at his mother and relatives and his side of the visitors remarking that the baby looks exactly like him. 
I actually peeked first at Tanvi's nose when she was first shown to me by the doctors immediately after the delivery. I wanted her to have Sathya's nose and my hair. I had prayed for it!! Her nose is not as great as Satty's but not as bad as mine either. She did get my hair and not Sathya's, thank God for that. 

Oops! This never happened with Tan but well, never say never! The new one just might!!
Get the baby out of me ....hehe! Will get there soon enough!

Sunday, September 3, 2017

Babysitter

1st September 2017 entry:

So who is greater? The mother that gives birth or the one that raises the child? The one who does both is the greatest. But otherwise, definitely the mother that raises the new born baby is greater. Remember Lord Krishna's foster mother Yashoda? Nine months in the womb is nothing compared to the countless hours spent caring for a child that is not your own, that is helpless and dependent on you for everything.

In Tanvi’s case, God had sent me an angel. I was nearing the end of my 3 months maternity leave from work and I had still not been able to get a babysitter and I was close to having to quit my job.

M-I-L didn't want to take care of the baby, her own granddaughter. Imagine a woman who didn’t even come to the hospital to see the baby when she was born! Sathya fell at her feet to come and see. Their house was just 15 minutes walk from the hospital. Tanvi is the first girl in their family, the first daughter of her first son, the first grandchild of the house, the “Lakshmi’of the house as we Hindus say. 

For a week after the delivery, we had to stay at the in-laws place. The baby's naming ceremony was done there. And immediately after, we went back to our rented house. Not once in that one week, did either of the grandparents pick up Tanvi in their arms and cuddle her. M-I-L would sometimes uncover her blanket to show her to visitors, find that she had wet herself and put the blanket back on without even changing it. Is this what you do to your own blood?! 

God took a few things away from me. I didn’t have a mother and M-I-L was a monster-in-law. But He in his mercy compensated me three-fold. He gave me Vanaja who was so “motherly” and took such good care of Tanvi, from the time she was three months to 1 year 8 months old, that I am forever and ever indebted to her. Without Vanaja, she would not have been as healthy, strong and happy a baby as she was. Thank you God for always taking care of me in things that really matter.

Vanaja was actually the second babysitter. She had initially refused to take Tan as she already had another 3 year old child in her care who she had raised from infancy too. I had no choice but to settle for a babysitter who had few other grown up kids but no infant and was ok with taking on Tanvi. On the first day, I left her in this house, on the way to work. My house was ten minutes walk from the management college where I worked as a Soft Skills Trainer. When I returned at 11 a.m to feed the baby, I was asked to go to the next room, where the baby was kept. 

The room was really small with a bed that covered the entire space. Tanvi was not on the bed! Where was she?! She was under the bed!! I was shocked. My heart sank! I fed her, holding her tightly to my bosom, crying and saying sorry for having put her through this. Then, I placed her back in the same spot, walked back to the college, through the busy Malleshwaram roads, crying, people in the shops and passers-by, all staring at me. But I was a zombie. The body was moving forward but the soul was left behind with the baby, who was lying under a bed, like an abandoned child. 

This continued for a few days. I took an axe, chopped my heart into a thousand pieces and everyday, every single day, left Tanvi, again, at the same babysitter, to be left under the bed. I couldn’t discontinue this babysitter. If I did, I would have had to quit my job. And I couldn't leave the job. What would we eat? Sathya had started working but the money went for his drinks, cigarettes and parties; the salary never came home. Also, we stayed in a rented house, how would I pay the rent? 

And then a miracle happened. I remember my colleague Aarti Mam’s words, “Every child is born with his own luck.” I think it’s true. Vanaja’s son Shrikant apparently convinced his mother to take Tanvi and let go of the other child. I believe he told her, “This aunty is really nice. Help her.” And she was with Vanaja from that day on. 
Shrikant (with the cam), Vanaja and her husband Mr. Benegal

Tanvi is a lucky child. She got two mothers. 

This story, of a mother's struggle, is the story of countless women all over the world. It is neither new nor rare. Many women juggle a home and an office, sometimes to build a family and a career, and sometimes to survive, to carry on, and yet, many times, just to be able to feed themselves and be alive for the next day. 

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Sex and Pregnancy

Can you make love during pregnancy? It is a question that arises in every couple's mind.

With Tan, our post marriage honeymoon period and pregnancy collided. Almost the entire duration of the first year of the marriage, when most couples are still discovering the nuances of each other's bodies, I was carrying.

Doctors regularly warn against it during the first and last trimester. But we were reckless. No one or nothing would stop us. I remember I was already 3 months pregnant when we went to Hotel Ashoka for our first New Year’s Party. It was my first New Year's Party EVER!! We danced together like crazy. Post that party, we went to a friend’s farm house and made out in our car. I didn’t even remember I was pregnant! For most of those initial 4 - 5 months, it kept slipping my mind. I just wasn't so conscious then, as I am now. 

Another time, 8 months pregnant with a huge protruding belly, we had gone to attend Vasu’s marriage (Sathya's cousin) in H.D Kote, near Mysore. We made out on the roof of the Kalyana Mantapa. Raging hormones? You bet!

Is there a difference in the experiences - when you are newly married and now? I think there is. When you are young and raw and new in your relationship, it is more of  "fun" and “Let’s do it!" and "Hey, we never did it here” and stuff like that. The thrill that the fear of being caught generates, and not actually getting caught, makes it even more tempting and enticing.

Now, after many years of marriage, it truly is about the emotional connection. You love your man more because he loves the child growing inside you. You are beaming at the thought of bringing another life into this world. This new life is yours and it will come into your arms one day. That thought binds the couple in an embrace that is tender and most loving. There is no rush, no expectation in that hug. The hug endears you to each other, like never before. It becomes more an expression of “I really like you” and “I am glad we are in this together”. And add to that, the body, during pregnancy, is on high alert; extremely sensitive to touch. It actually tingles. 

Should you do it during pregnancy? You should not, if you have any sort of medical complications or if it is forced. Each body, each couple and each pregnancy is different. Speaking from my experience, I have been comfortable during both the pregnancies. The frequency has reduced greatly the second time around (that’s because of long years of marriage and advancing age) but the intensity of sensation has actually increased (thanks to the same long years of marriage and the added sensitivity triggered by pregnancy). If your overall experience has been normal, going for it, if you really feel like, is okay. 

The doctor did advice us, this time too, to avoid it during the first trimester. I still laugh at the way she pointedly looked at Sathya as if he was some vaishi darinda (evil monster)! He did look like one that day, with the overgrown beard and the 126 kilo body, so can't blame her. Of course, we didn’t heed the warning this time either! 

Does it hurt the baby in the womb? No. Not in my case. Also, it is scientifically proven that it doesn't. The baby is ensconced in a really snug and safe environment.

Does it cause advanced labor? No. It did not in my case. But that doesn't mean you can indulge in a "Circus" performance.

Is it more pleasurable during pregnancy? Yes, it is, at least initially, while your belly is still not so big and you can still manoeuvre. Later, your belly becomes a big (literally) hindrance and you will actually end up laughing at the awkwardness of it all. Those are tender moments and relish them while you still can because you are not going to go down that road too often. 

Friday, September 1, 2017

Food - Post Delivery

22nd August '17 entry:

A body exhausted by the stress of pregnancy and the enormous pain of labur, mind numbed by the emotional upheaval and heart distressed, the least you want is food. I delivered Tan on 6th June and was discharged from the hospital on 10th June. I was in some kind of stupor at the time and don’t have a strong memory of those 4 days in the hospital. 

But an overwhelming sense of being hungry still haunts me. Why was I feeling hungry all the time in the hospital? Sathya was staying in his parents’ house and eating there and getting food for me from there.  I was brought food in a small tiffin box while he went and ate with the others at home. I would be sent a dabba with a small cup of rice with some 'tilisaar' (the water collected from boiling dal, without spices or vegetables). Why couldn’t he eat with me? He would go home to eat a proper meal. He was having a gala time roaming around with friends and eating a king’s banquet at home. I vaguely remember eating plain bread for evening snacks. I used to be famished. I was breast feeding, recovering, recuperating AND hungry. 

I had to complain to the doctor. I was in a ‘hunger daze’. I think I told her, "I am very hungry doctor. I am not getting food. They are saying it is not good to eat too much post delivery". The doctor was surprised to hear it and asked Sathya to feed me well, to give as much as I wanted and a proper meal, not some 'tilisaar' shit. 

Why does a woman do that to another woman? Didn’t my M-I-L deliver 3 kids of her own? Doesn’t she know the pain of hunger? Why was she punishing me thus? For what? What had I ever done to her? 

This time, I want to be more aware and more in control of the situation I am going to find myself in. I don't want to be hungry ever again. 

Why Now?

Why now? Why so late? That was the first question the screening doc asked. 

And then a few others - acquaintances, neighbors, friends.

Quite frankly, it is because it was an accident. It just happened. 
We never planned it. We never wanted it.  

I was off the IUCD for a year. 

I was 40 and nearing menopause or so I thought. 

We were rarely rolling under the sheets. So all in all we just NEVER thought it was even possible now. 

But one day, one session, one sperm runs right across and meets the egg , says hello and BAM.......sets the ball rolling – literally. 

Pregnancy - The Hard Part

18th August '17 entry:

It literally is the ‘hard’ part of pregnancy. Constipation. Pregnant women suffer from it.

I drink hot water to ‘ease’ things. I eat perle hannu (guava) to ‘help’. Guava really is great. Within an hour of eating just one ripe fruit, you can feel the ‘gudugudu’ (sound of rumbling) in your stomach. And when you sit in the toilet and things start moving, you are like. "OH Hell Yeah!" You thank your stars, the hot water and the guava for the miracle. And curse progesterone, the hormone that makes bowel movement a nightmare during pregnancy. It relaxes the muscles, slows the digestive tract and with the additional space taken up by the baby and the weight of it on your bladder, constipation and a constant urge to urinate are common side effects.

Sometimes, we have a counting ritual in our family.

Day 1 mummy didn’t go.....
Day 2 mummy didn’t go.....
Day 3 mummy didn’t go.....

It is now officially declared a family crisis. Tanvi springs into action and makes hot water for me. And they both wait for the khushkhabari (good news) that yes I went today. I have even called Sathya in his office to tell him that today was a 'good day'. I am sure this is one of the reasons some men avoid pregnancy like the plague. This constant torture of getting updates of your wife’s toilet struggles is not something they signed into when they married you. But Sathya doesn't grumble. He is a sweetheart. He listens. I guess 12 years of wedded misery does that to you. Pretty much nothing makes you go "ewww".

We have another secret understanding in our family. If it's day two of mummy not going, then it means it is "launch" day which means it is time for them to hide for cover or if they are within striking distance then at least, cover their ears. They joke that when mummy is 'stuck', it is mini diwali for them – full patakas (crackers) at home. And if we are outside, I whisper to Sathya and ask him to cover for me by pretending he did it. And then he mock practices suitable facial expressions so that it looks convincing enough! And does a final nod that acknowledges that yes he was the one who let out the sound. Those expressions he makes...it makes me laugh just thinking of it now. 

Tanvi is like the Kannada saying, "hath rupayige acting madu andre noor rupayige madthale" (ask her to act for Rs 10, she acts for Rs 100. Acts extra). So basically she mock runs like there was a grenade that dropped directly on her.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Mood Swings and Pregnancy


Mood swings and extreme emotional highs and lows, especially during the first trimester, is a very real thing. I was in a perpetually lousy mood and could fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. 
I remember one particular incident. Two days before the start of Tanvi’s school, we went to Malpe beach.  Enroute, Sathya and I got into an argument in the car regarding the music and the volume. And we fought. 

One topic led to another. It’s true that women can bring up totally bizarre past records into a current fight. I did it too. I am beginning to think I am an expert in raking up past grievances. I have like a special storage space in my brain set aside for keeping track of all old humiliations.

Exasperated, he said “Let’s separate ya.” This was the first time ever that he had said it in the past 12 years. I say it every 6 months! (Well, make it every once a year!) That’s my most potent dhamki (threat) since I don’t have the luxury that other women have; of saying “Mei maike jaa rahi hoon.” (I am going to my mother’s house). 

He had never ever uttered that word. And now he did. I was really shocked. I thought maybe I should delete or burn that storage space inside my damn brain. Out loud, I only said ‘OK’ (in bold and caps), turned around on the seat and pretended to sleep. This was end of May and I was already 3 weeks pregnant by then but of course I didn’t know it.

It is strange now to think of that fight and how even as we talked of going our separate ways, there was a new life growing within me to keep us together. At the Shimoga hotel where we stayed the night, Tanvi overheard us talking of separating. I hugged her as we slept and told her, “We will be living separately and from now on you will have 2 of everything – two houses, two birthdays and two gifts”.

She wrapped her arms and legs around me and started weeping. She just wouldn’t hear another word. She was inconsolable. She kept saying ‘NO! I want BOTH”.   I thought I heard Sathya sobbing softly in the adjacent bed. He had uttered those words in anger and he couldn’t take them back now. He didn’t mean it but it was too late. 

I never knew how physically strong Tanvi was and how deeply attached she was to the idea of the three of us as one family unit, until that night. She hugged me so tightly that it actually hurt me. All three of us cried ourselves to sleep that night.  I think divorce affects children in ways that we adults can never imagine. They really want both mother and father together with them at all times.

I remember when Tan was conceived just 3 months after our wedding; I had just ended a long committed relationship, and had literally jumped into this marriage, Sathya was 25 years old, unemployed, reckless, and irresponsible, me at a new job, new relationship, new house and new locality, without the comfort of old friends or family. His parents didn’t even sleep in the direction of our house; such was his mother’s animosity towards me (reason, you ask? Well, because I wasn’t beautiful enough for her Star Son).

I contemplated many times to end the whole ordeal. It was a marriage that was giving heartache to everyone involved. It was pointless to waste precious human life, his and mine, in such a futile union.

But who knew that Tanvi, who was growing within me at the time, was coming to keep us together.