This and That

I loved this part. 

I still do. 

Now, I chase 11 year old Tanvi around the house, sometimes pleading with her, sometimes threatening her, sometimes begging her, sometimes forcing her, sometimes blackmailing her – basically doing everything or whatever I can to get her to let me cut her nails. 

Till she was almost 5 years old, she was totally under my “nail-cutter control”. I used to bend over her, every week and cut her nails – fingers and toes. 

I miss those days of pure bliss now.  Ever since she has become strong and able to run away from me, cutting her nails has been a weekly ‘fight of the fittest’.  

Some mothers chew the nails off the fingers of their new born baby. I could never do that. That I find scary. But cutting with nail cutter is a much-looked forward to activity for me. One more round of nail-cutting with the new baby. Yippee!

Oh this is so true!!! I was on tenterhooks all the time. I don’t remember taking a shower in peace throughout the period of Tanvi’s infancy. It was horrible actually.  I would keep the door slightly open, keep peering out in between and constantly try to hear her sound – of weeping or sobbing or gurgling or waking up or moving – whatever. The tough part was when you would be covered in soap and at that very instant you would hear the baby crying. A hurried throw of the remaining water in the bucket and out you are to attend to her.

This time I am hoping to let Tanvi watch over the baby while I finally bathe peacefully at least once during two of my kids’ growing up years. 

Babysitter

1^st September 2017 entry:

So who is greater? The mother that gives birth or the one that raises the child? The one who does both is the greatest. But otherwise, definitely the mother that raises the new born baby is greater. Remember Lord Krishna's foster mother Yashoda? Nine months in the womb is nothing compared to the countless hours spent caring for a child that is not your own, that is helpless and dependent on you for everything.

In Tanvi’s case, God had sent me an angel. I was nearing the end of my 3 months maternity leave from work and I had still not been able to get a babysitter and I was close to having to quit my job.

M-I-L didn't want to take care of the baby, her own granddaughter. Imagine a woman who didn’t even come to the hospital to see the baby when she was born! Sathya fell at her feet to come and see. Their house was just 15 minutes walk from the hospital. Tanvi is the first girl in their family, the first daughter of her first son, the first grandchild of the house, the “Lakshmi’of the house as we Hindus say. 

For a week after the delivery, we had to stay at the in-laws place. The baby's naming ceremony was done there. And immediately after, we went back to our rented house. Not once in that one week, did either of the grandparents pick up Tanvi in their arms and cuddle her. M-I-L would sometimes uncover her blanket to show her to visitors, find that she had wet herself and put the blanket back on without even changing it. Is this what you do to your own blood?! 

God took a few things away from me. I didn’t have a mother and M-I-L was a monster-in-law. But He in his mercy compensated me three-fold. He gave me Vanaja who was so “motherly” and took such good care of Tanvi, from the time she was three months to 1 year 8 months old, that I am forever and ever indebted to her. Without Vanaja, she would not have been as healthy, strong and happy a baby as she was. Thank you God for always taking care of me in things that really matter.

Vanaja was actually the second babysitter. She had initially refused to take Tan as she already had another 3 year old child in her care who she had raised from infancy too. I had no choice but to settle for a babysitter who had few other grown up kids but no infant and was ok with taking on Tanvi. On the first day, I left her in this house, on the way to work. My house was ten minutes walk from the management college where I worked as a Soft Skills Trainer. When I returned at 11 a.m to feed the baby, I was asked to go to the next room, where the baby was kept. 

The room was really small with a bed that covered the entire space. Tanvi was not on the bed! Where was she?! She was under the bed!! I was shocked. My heart sank! I fed her, holding her tightly to my bosom, crying and saying sorry for having put her through this. Then, I placed her back in the same spot, walked back to the college, through the busy Malleshwaram roads, crying, people in the shops and passers-by, all staring at me. But I was a zombie. The body was moving forward but the soul was left behind with the baby, who was lying under a bed, like an abandoned child. 

This continued for a few days. I took an axe, chopped my heart into a thousand pieces and everyday, every single day, left Tanvi, again, at the same babysitter, to be left under the bed. I couldn’t discontinue this babysitter. If I did, I would have had to quit my job. And I couldn't leave the job. What would we eat? Sathya had started working but the money went for his drinks, cigarettes and parties; the salary never came home. Also, we stayed in a rented house, how would I pay the rent? 

And then a miracle happened. I remember my colleague Aarti Mam’s words, “Every child is born with his own luck.” I think it’s true. Vanaja’s son Shrikant apparently convinced his mother to take Tanvi and let go of the other child. I believe he told her, “This aunty is really nice. Help her.” And she was with Vanaja from that day on. 

Shrikant (with the cam), Vanaja and her husband Mr. Benegal

Tanvi is a lucky child. She got two mothers. 

This story, of a mother's struggle, is the story of countless women all over the world. It is neither new nor rare. Many women juggle a home and an office, sometimes to build a family and a career, and sometimes to survive, to carry on, and yet, many times, just to be able to feed themselves and be alive for the next day. 

Fourth Month

Now that I have entered the fourth month, the energy has returned. I feel less drowsy. Earlier, I used to sleep a minimum of 12 hours every day, 8 at night and 4 during the day; that’s almost half a day spent sleeping. I have been sleeping a lot less now and that too not the earlier ‘lost in a deep, deep slumber’ kind of sleep. Sometimes, I don’t even sleep in the mornings, though the afternoon nap time still continues. 

My thoughts often wander to the topic of caring for the new born baby. Mostly it is a thankless job. If you have a mother, you take it for granted that she will take care. 

Most mother-in-laws don’t like to and it is accepted. No one questions her or asks her to change her attitude. You are lucky if you have an M-I-L who voluntarily and wholeheartedly comes forward to help with the infant. I know of a M-I-L, my ex-colleague, who was in her 50’s back in 2012. She was very clear that she didn’t want to raise her son’s (only son) newborn. "Let them do it. Why should I? It is my turn and time to relax. I have a life of my own. Why should I sacrifice it and be a nanny, an unpaid one at that?" was her reasoning. My own M-I-L has no affinity towards children, not even her own. So expecting her to pitch in with her son’s is too far-fetched. 

Child rearing is a humongous task, time and energy consuming, seemingly endless chores. Only a M-I-L who is extremely maternal or loves babies or loves her son a lot or is dependent on her son for food and shelter, would be willing to do it, I guess.

Oh, by the way, my M-I-L was 42 when her eldest son, my husband, got married. Sathya was 25 years old at the time. At 43, she had become a grandmother. 

And look at me, here I am at 40 pregnant with my second child. At 43, I will be running after a little one, who would still be wobbling! 

At what age will I become a grandmother!!??!! Hey Ram!!!

Is it a generational shift? Are women getting healthier and younger with each passing generation? Or because we are marrying later (me at 28, mother-in-law at 18), are we hanging in there longer? Has education and financial independence had a positive impact on women’s fertility, longevity and overall health?  Don't know.