April 2018

25^th april 2018

The first month very very hard

The second very hard

The third hard

The months are getting less hard as time passes. Comparatively speaking

With Rutvi we are going back to the experiences of raising Tanvi, we are recalling all those moments

I am 58 kg now. My pre- pregnancy weight.

Morning breakfast usually rice item

Then a cup of milk with mothers horlicks, then a banana, then tea with 2-3 biscuits, then a cup of milk with women’s horlicks, then dinner then a cup with bournvita or shatavari guda

2 months drank 750ml of milk daily. Doc had recommended a litre

After that got bored with milk. So two cups. Then got bored some more; so by the time she turned three months, I was drinking only one cup a day.

3^rd april

Slept at 11:00 p.m

Woke up 5:30 a.m

5 mins drank milk and slept again.

Like adults, 6 hours continuous sleep.

Again woke up 6:30 a.m and slept. Again woke up 8:00 and played.

By 2 months, not yet 2 months, 3 days more to go, she has fallen into the adult sleep pattern. Thank god for these little mercies. I am regaining my mental balance which i lost in the first month due to sleeplessness, lack of sleep. I am happier now. able to do almost all the work at home. Yet to do breakfast full time every day. It needs someone to be with rutvi while i make. Right now can’t.

7^th april

Slept from 11 to 6:00 a.m. 7 hours at a stretch. Wow! From sleeping four hours in total that too in intervals of 20 minutes – 30 minutes throughout the night to a 7 hour stretch sleep. It has brought my sanity back.

 It also has been 2 weeks since she started cooing and babbling and responding to my voice and face. Recognises me and breaks into a delicious smile and when i speak, she opens her eyes this big and moves her lips saying something. It’s clear that she is talking to me though the words are not there yet. It’s such a pleasure –our conversations. Sometimes i say something and just repeat, is that you? And she nods and giggles and opens her eyes wide. As if saying yes Amma yes

 The boxing, kicking and cycling movements are pronounced now. Try holding her leg down, she will kick very hard. No more swaddling. She kicks the blanket away. And it’s hot too now.

I can’t believe I am saying this but if you can afford it (financially) and love children, you must go for a 2^nd child. The mistakes and trials and errors of the first time better equips you to handle the 2^nd one. You enjoy the process of raising a child more the 2^nd time. The first time you are so raw and young every little thing about the baby scares you – spitting, vomiting. Then there are people to scare you if you are not scared enough already. Now you know it’s a natural process of reflex or regurgitation and nothing to be anxious about. The level of calm is higher.

9^th April Monday

Constipated since Friday. Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon Rutvi had not passed motions. So worried. Finally today an hour after we were at home she passed her motions. What a relief! Imagine being happy to see shit! 

Sat 4 p.m we left for Mysore, visited Nanjangud today and reached home at 4 p.m.

Every time we changed her diaper, during the trip, we would eagerly look at it. But no. Every time just urine.

Nanjangud has changed so much. We last went in 2014 ? 2010 ? Don't remember!

14^th april 

His father called. Night 10 p.m from deepu’s phone. Which i had not saved. So picked up the call.

15^th april 

Cradle. Kiran. Colleague

One Month Rutvi

 6^th Mar 2018

One month.

Staring blankly.

By the end of 1 month, holding fingers. First her pappa's, then her sister's, then mine which irked me no end. Why not mine first ? :( 

Gripping my shirt while feeding, clutching me in an attempt to bring me closer, clutching my chain, pulling her own hair and screaming.

Hurting us all with her long manicured finger nails which forced me to order nail cutter. Her nails are so finely shaped that makes you want to paint them.

2 visits to doctor. One, maybe a small bit of her nail went into her right eyes and it was constantly welling up with tears

2^nd, on the night she turned one, she kept crying incessantly. From almost 9 to 1 a.m. Was trying to make her sleep since 7:30 in the evening.  Then gave her colic aid and she slept by the time we reached the car.

10^th mar

Tan was born into chaos. Chaotic relationships, finances, home. Rutvi into stability, stable relationships, finances, home. 

My kind of recipe: Dukaan se lao. Ghar mei milao. Like Nutella mousse from Suzaan.

4 hours sleeping 20 hours working days.

15^th March 

11 p.m – 1:30 a.m sleep

3:30 – 4:45 sleep

6:15 to 6:45 sleep

9:30 a.m to 2:00 p.m sleep

2:30 to 5

5:15 to 6:15

8:15 to 9:45 

14 hours sleep – 10 hours awake

I spend so much time with Rutvi. When I see Tanvi, I feel she is a giant. Such a giant nose. Such big eyes. Let’s zoom in and look at their noses. 

See...how tiny Rutvi is. Like Lilliput and Tanvi like Gulliver. Rutvi at just about 4 kilos now and Tanvi at 45kg.

Oh I checked my weight finally - after being discharged from hospital. Sunday 11^th. I was 56.5 kilos.  That is after a month after delivery i had lost 10 kilos approximately. I checked in a hotel we went for breakfast. And this is without any exercise. 3.35 was baby birth weight and the rest of the kilos of the 10 kilos was my water, waste and stuff. Breastfeeding really helps in weight loss. I drink minimum half a litre of milk with Mother’s Horlicks or Women’s Horlicks, or Bournvita or Shatavari guda a cup mixed with these.

A banana on most days. Sometimes a small glass of tender coconut. But the weight doesn’t stick. Flows as milk. Rusk or biscuits with evening tea. 

16^th march

You won’t believe the overload of information and advice a new mother gets. Some of them scary, threatening in tone – if you don’t do this, this will happen. None of them actually help her out. They just come, dump their ‘suggestions’ and ‘know it all’ superiority and leave without as much as taking care of the baby for 5 minutes or ‘doing’ what they preach.

Tan cut Rutvi’s nails.

22nd March 2018 

“”Out of focus”” Satty calls her.

These so called well-meaning friends, relatives, neighbours bewilder you with their varied suggestions and advice.

One person though had an objection to everything we did. If we bathe her in the afternoon she would say, “No! Bathe her in the morning”. If we wrapped her, she would say, “No! Leave her open”. Once Sathya was holding her and carrying her around, she had a problem with that too. Don’t carry her, she will get back pain. Don’t make her sleep on her back, she will get back pain.

Once the building maid asked me, “Why are you making her cry?”  Because I like it, I said. What else do you say to a question like that? She herself is a mother of two.

Here is a list of things you shouldn’t say to a new mother.

1.      You won’t know now. But after 10 years you will suffer. Severe back pain.

2.      Sleep with your legs crossed at the ankles.

3.      Don’t take bath in the evening.

4.      Pull her nose.

I have already raised one daughter. You can clearly see she is healthy. I can definitely raise another one without your ‘to do list’ every hour.

They practically have an advice for everything. For red lips, grind leaves of pomegranate tree and apply the juice on the lips.

A crate full of eggs + bread + bread = constipation. So we had to stop. 

23^rd march

Mothers wake up for baby’s cry. Don’t wake up for alarm.

These neighbours – scare the new mother. Don’t know for what joy.

This day - Slept for only 15 minutes. Then awake for 2-3 hours. Again doze for 15 minutes. From 7 a. m to 11:00 p. m this is what she did. I went mad.

Silver lining – good news – from 11:00 pm to 5:30 a. m she slept. I slept too.  First time in 2 months. Long stretch of sleep unbroken by crying, feeding or cleaning.

I even got a dream in my sleep. I hadn’t dreamt all these days because hadn’t slept for more than an hour at a stretch so far.

24^th march

8 weeks old

Went for Tagaru movie. Rutvi’s first. PVR Vaishnavi sapphire mall. She was fine. Fed her twice. For 15-20 minutes she actually sat up and was staring at the large screen. Maybe at the intensity of light in a dark hall. Feeding is always a problem in a dark theatre hall. Couldn’t take tanvi because it was an A certified movie due to the element of violence in it. 

Rutvi is 2 weeks short of 2 months. Tanvi’s first movie at one month was cyanide. Second krish. Third superman.

Can’t believe I and Rutvi are 8 weeks old. I am already doing everything around the house. In fact I started the first week itself. I am not in much pain though sometimes back pain or leg pain hits badly. And I need a massage. 

25^th march

Most frequently asked question to moms “why is the baby crying?.” You know what I don't know. Even I am wondering. I am clueless. So if you can't help me in finding the answer, don't ask me the question. Spare me the effort of being rude to you.

The first time we really didn’t know a lot of things. We did a lot of things wrong with Tanvi. We needed someone to tell us, guide us. The second time we know better. We now need someone to share the load.

6th Feb'18 The Day

6^th Feb was our weekly doc visit day. 

Like the previous week, we had other plans after the hospital visit - maybe eat out or watch a movie or pick up Tan from school. Stuff like that.

This was the pic we took just before we left for the hospital. The last pic of my second pregnancy. Probably, the last ever.  

My water had not broken. I didn't have pain or contractions. Nothing. The assistant doctor did the routine BP and weight check. This was at 12:30. 

After an hour, Dr. Nischitha came. She saw the due date, examined me and said, "you have opened. get admitted. we will do it tomorrow'. 

I was surprised! "Wait! What? You mean I will have the baby tomorrow? The baby is here? I am ready? But...wait...tomorrow is 7th. My baby will be born on my mother's DOB. And Sathya and his 2 brothers were also born on the 7th of their respective months and his mother too. 7th is not a good date. "

[Aside: Number 7 people are not lucky in marriage. They either don't get married at all (Vajpayee, Jesus, Karan Johar) or have unhappy married lives that end in divorce or just unhappy married lives.]

All I said aloud was, "Last time, the water had broken. It was normal delivery."

Immediately, the doc said, "Ok. Then we will do it today." I still don't understand what happened there. If she first said that the delivery will be done the next day, why did she change it to the same day. 

Suddenly, we were faced with the news of the baby for which we had been waiting for so long!

In the pre-labour room, in the bed next to mine, the woman was told, "Have to do Cesarean. Call your husband." In the bed to the far left, one family was already discussing about the Cesarean bomb that the doc had dropped on them. Meanwhile, a nurse connected me to a machine to track my BP. Lying down on my back was so painful but the nurse insisted on it. I was sweating. I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and I was tired and famished. And then, I saw panic on her face. I don't know to this day if it was all staged.  She called a doctor to check. She examined me and said, "We have to go for cesarean." 

I was shocked. I screamed "NO! I will push the baby. I will have a normal delivery." But it was inside my head. Out loud, I beseeched "I want to go for normal delivery. What happened?" She said the baby was face up, her fingers had touched the teeth/gum/mouth of the baby. We asked to speak to Nischitha. She examined and announced, "The baby has come down but face up. Even if you push, we can't have a normal delivery because the baby will get stuck while coming out. We HAVE to go for Cesarean". 

At 1:30, when she herself had examined, everything was fine. Half an hour later, things had taken a sudden turn! They didn't even sit us down and explain things or take us into confidence before dropping the C word. I felt so helpless.

Sathya came in. They gave us a moment. We stared at each other. It was all happening so fast and I was in so much pain. I felt I had let him down. I felt I had burdened him with the additional cost of the operation. I had failed him. I was on the verge of crying. I still couldn't believe I had to go for a Cesarean. Me? No. No. I had done everything to deserve a normal delivery. I had walked so much! Everyday! Deserved! What a strange word! How does one deserve a normal delivery? 

They took me to the operation theater.  The anesthetist explained to me that the lower part of my body would be numb, not to worry. I sobbed, "I wanted normal delivery". They laid me on the operating table. I looked around.  There were 3 lady doctors and 1 male doctor. There were machines near my leg and a blue sheet was put in front of my face. I was talking. The doctors were talking. They were discussing about breakfast and lunch. I was going in and out of consciousness. There were bits I was aware of, there were bits I wasn't. Like I remember I kept talking about normal delivery even there, with the operating doctors. Nishchitha said, "It's okay. Now you have the experience of both". I was angry to hear that. Another doc said, "All babies face down and enter into the world. Her baby is looking up. Like looking at the sky, head held high." I didn't want my baby to look up. Why didn't she look down and come? 

At 3:16, heard the doc say,"female. you have a girl baby." I don't remember hearing the first cries of the baby. I even asked the doc, "Did my baby cry?" They said yes, she did. I wanted to see her, hold her. They said she is with the pediatrician - getting cleaned and checked. They were busy stitching me up. I must have entered the operating room around 2:30 and by 3:30 everything was done. Getting me ready for the procedure, the operation, the stitch up. Super fast. No wonder, doctors prefer C-sections. No hearing a woman's wails and waiting for hours in case of natural birth. And more money too. 

2nd Feb'18

9^th is the due date of the baby, 6^th is the weekly check up. 

Last night woke up at 12:00 and slept at 4:00 a.m.

I was crying that the baby hadn’t come out. Getting really desperate. The image captures the desperation really well. Ninth month has turned out to be the hardest. By now, I have experienced everything there is to experience in terms of pain, nausea, cramps, fatigue, so on and so forth. But this wait....seemingly endless wait....this carrying around the baby, heavy stomach and the accompanying tiredness, this not knowing when the baby will come and not knowing why is the baby taking so long to come....this is really mind-numbingly painful.  

  

Last time, I was working full time.
So didn't even realize when the nine months had passed. Add to that, Tanvi came 17 days early.

Today afternoon, Satty got a call from the company saying joining is on the 8^th. Offer letter had come. Now after hearing the news of his appointment letter and the possibility of a mediclaim reimbursement of hospital expenses through his official mediclaim policy, I joked to him that may be that's why God didn’t let the baby come out soon. That’s why the delay. 

I am telling myself to be ready now - to hold onto another 10 days. Say, maybe delivery is on 19^th my birthday – then we both can celebrate together and can claim mediclaim also. Haha!

Ten days after DD!! Will it happen so? When will she come?

The Arrival

Today is the 15th of September. I have not updated this blog neither the other two blogs that I have since the beginning of this year. The last entry on this blog is dated 25th January. Phew! Almost 9 months! 

Finally got some time to myself. So thought let me at least peep in and wave a quick hello to everyone.

First things first. Our joy arrived! 

And it was a SHE, not a 'he' as we wrongly but strongly assumed all along. 

We have named her Rutvi. The meaning of the name Rutvi is cheerful, kind and honest. 

Here she is at 3.35 kilos - so tiny but perfectly healthy and beautiful. 

She chose to come on the 6th of February and now shares her date of birth with her elder sister. 

Both born on a Tuesday. 
Both born on the 6th. Tanvi - June, Rutvi - Feb. 
Both born in the afternoon. Tanvi - 3:52 p.m. Rutvi - 3:16 p.m

So many similarities. Except that Tanvi was a natural birth and with Rutvi, I had to undergo a C-section.


And she is now 7 months and a week old as of today. Here's her latest picture.

The journey from then to now has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride. Will take you on it in the days to come. 

Till the next post, see ya :)

Breast-Feeding

I remember the day I delivered Tanvi. The water had broken around 10 a.m in the morning and by 12 I had been admitted. By 2 the contractions started and by 4 my baby was in my hands. 

No wait, she wasn’t. 

Because after the delivery, I had fallen asleep. Or I fell unconscious. Or the doc had put me to sleep with painkillers. I don’t know exactly. All I can recollect now is that they had moved me, from the delivery area to an adjacent area, to be shifted to a ward as soon as it was available. All wards were full that day.

There really are a lot of Gemini kids in the world. I read somewhere that Gemini is the most common zodiac and Aquarius is the rarest. There are far too many Geminis in this world and far few Aquarians. September must be a great month for conception and May the worst month. Something to do with the cooler/warmer weather in those months? 

Anyways, I remember seeing, in my drowsy state and droopy eyes, the nurse showing the baby to Sathya. And then, my eyes closed. 

When I woke up, I was in a ward with tiny Tanvi next to me - all of  2.92 kg. 

It was a common ward, the only one available, so there were 2-3 other mothers as well. A nurse asked me if I had fed the baby. I had not. I didn’t know I had to. I didn’t know what to say to her. I was afraid she would shout at me. I hadn’t even lifted my baby in my arms yet. I was completely drained of energy. I had apparently passed out for a good 3-4 hours and the baby hadn’t had anything yet. So I slowly raised myself on the bed, took the baby and... sat there. I didn't know what to do next. 

Who gets a lesson in feeding? It is like sex. You don’t know it until you do it. It is instinct, by and large. Or if your mother or mother-in-law is next to you, she guides you. My great mother-in-law was too busy handling matters of World Peace to be beside me. She had not turned up at all, even that late in the day, to see her grandchild. So, well, I too followed my instinct. And boy, was Tanvi hungry!!! 

That first moment when you feed your baby is a moment a woman will never forget in her life. That is when the two of you "connect" and "bond" and watching those tiny lips on your bosom, you finally feel that yes, it was all worth it. The struggles of the nine months, the pain of labor, the delivery trauma - all worth it. I know people say, the moment immediately after delivery, is the greatest - the moment when you see your baby first time. But for me, that moment was fleeting. The doc was busy stitching me up, giving instructions to 'hold up' and finishing up the rest of the post-delivery tasks. The baby was not given to be held because it had to be washed and not laid next to me because I had passed out. So what they show you in the movies - doesn't always work that way.

After I had fed her on one side, I thought it’s not fair to feed only one side. I must be impartial (typical teacher talk) and feed both. Someone later told me that yeah that is the right way to do it; otherwise the breast swells and hurts like hell because the milk coagulates. Always feed both sides.

New mothers truly learn a lot on the job, don't they! There is no induction training or trial sessions or demos. At least back then, I didn’t attend any classes or watch any YouTube videos. Now, thanks to smart phones and internet, everything, every information is available on your fingertips. And I have watched many a video and read countless pregnancy related articles.

As for breast-feeding being equivalent to running 8 kms (check the first pic) , it must be true. I breast-fed Tanvi till she was THREE years old. I fed her everywhere - theater, cinema hall, bus-station and on everything - on a bus, car, bike, auto !! I now believe it was one of the reasons I lost all the pregnancy weight (13 kilos) really quickly and that too without any exercise or any fitness regime. 

Babysitter

1^st September 2017 entry:

So who is greater? The mother that gives birth or the one that raises the child? The one who does both is the greatest. But otherwise, definitely the mother that raises the new born baby is greater. Remember Lord Krishna's foster mother Yashoda? Nine months in the womb is nothing compared to the countless hours spent caring for a child that is not your own, that is helpless and dependent on you for everything.

In Tanvi’s case, God had sent me an angel. I was nearing the end of my 3 months maternity leave from work and I had still not been able to get a babysitter and I was close to having to quit my job.

M-I-L didn't want to take care of the baby, her own granddaughter. Imagine a woman who didn’t even come to the hospital to see the baby when she was born! Sathya fell at her feet to come and see. Their house was just 15 minutes walk from the hospital. Tanvi is the first girl in their family, the first daughter of her first son, the first grandchild of the house, the “Lakshmi’of the house as we Hindus say. 

For a week after the delivery, we had to stay at the in-laws place. The baby's naming ceremony was done there. And immediately after, we went back to our rented house. Not once in that one week, did either of the grandparents pick up Tanvi in their arms and cuddle her. M-I-L would sometimes uncover her blanket to show her to visitors, find that she had wet herself and put the blanket back on without even changing it. Is this what you do to your own blood?! 

God took a few things away from me. I didn’t have a mother and M-I-L was a monster-in-law. But He in his mercy compensated me three-fold. He gave me Vanaja who was so “motherly” and took such good care of Tanvi, from the time she was three months to 1 year 8 months old, that I am forever and ever indebted to her. Without Vanaja, she would not have been as healthy, strong and happy a baby as she was. Thank you God for always taking care of me in things that really matter.

Vanaja was actually the second babysitter. She had initially refused to take Tan as she already had another 3 year old child in her care who she had raised from infancy too. I had no choice but to settle for a babysitter who had few other grown up kids but no infant and was ok with taking on Tanvi. On the first day, I left her in this house, on the way to work. My house was ten minutes walk from the management college where I worked as a Soft Skills Trainer. When I returned at 11 a.m to feed the baby, I was asked to go to the next room, where the baby was kept. 

The room was really small with a bed that covered the entire space. Tanvi was not on the bed! Where was she?! She was under the bed!! I was shocked. My heart sank! I fed her, holding her tightly to my bosom, crying and saying sorry for having put her through this. Then, I placed her back in the same spot, walked back to the college, through the busy Malleshwaram roads, crying, people in the shops and passers-by, all staring at me. But I was a zombie. The body was moving forward but the soul was left behind with the baby, who was lying under a bed, like an abandoned child. 

This continued for a few days. I took an axe, chopped my heart into a thousand pieces and everyday, every single day, left Tanvi, again, at the same babysitter, to be left under the bed. I couldn’t discontinue this babysitter. If I did, I would have had to quit my job. And I couldn't leave the job. What would we eat? Sathya had started working but the money went for his drinks, cigarettes and parties; the salary never came home. Also, we stayed in a rented house, how would I pay the rent? 

And then a miracle happened. I remember my colleague Aarti Mam’s words, “Every child is born with his own luck.” I think it’s true. Vanaja’s son Shrikant apparently convinced his mother to take Tanvi and let go of the other child. I believe he told her, “This aunty is really nice. Help her.” And she was with Vanaja from that day on. 

Shrikant (with the cam), Vanaja and her husband Mr. Benegal

Tanvi is a lucky child. She got two mothers. 

This story, of a mother's struggle, is the story of countless women all over the world. It is neither new nor rare. Many women juggle a home and an office, sometimes to build a family and a career, and sometimes to survive, to carry on, and yet, many times, just to be able to feed themselves and be alive for the next day. 

Fourth Month

Now that I have entered the fourth month, the energy has returned. I feel less drowsy. Earlier, I used to sleep a minimum of 12 hours every day, 8 at night and 4 during the day; that’s almost half a day spent sleeping. I have been sleeping a lot less now and that too not the earlier ‘lost in a deep, deep slumber’ kind of sleep. Sometimes, I don’t even sleep in the mornings, though the afternoon nap time still continues. 

My thoughts often wander to the topic of caring for the new born baby. Mostly it is a thankless job. If you have a mother, you take it for granted that she will take care. 

Most mother-in-laws don’t like to and it is accepted. No one questions her or asks her to change her attitude. You are lucky if you have an M-I-L who voluntarily and wholeheartedly comes forward to help with the infant. I know of a M-I-L, my ex-colleague, who was in her 50’s back in 2012. She was very clear that she didn’t want to raise her son’s (only son) newborn. "Let them do it. Why should I? It is my turn and time to relax. I have a life of my own. Why should I sacrifice it and be a nanny, an unpaid one at that?" was her reasoning. My own M-I-L has no affinity towards children, not even her own. So expecting her to pitch in with her son’s is too far-fetched. 

Child rearing is a humongous task, time and energy consuming, seemingly endless chores. Only a M-I-L who is extremely maternal or loves babies or loves her son a lot or is dependent on her son for food and shelter, would be willing to do it, I guess.

Oh, by the way, my M-I-L was 42 when her eldest son, my husband, got married. Sathya was 25 years old at the time. At 43, she had become a grandmother. 

And look at me, here I am at 40 pregnant with my second child. At 43, I will be running after a little one, who would still be wobbling! 

At what age will I become a grandmother!!??!! Hey Ram!!!

Is it a generational shift? Are women getting healthier and younger with each passing generation? Or because we are marrying later (me at 28, mother-in-law at 18), are we hanging in there longer? Has education and financial independence had a positive impact on women’s fertility, longevity and overall health?  Don't know.